100 lbs GONE, HISTORY, OUT THE DOOR...

This is a milestone update! 100 lbs officially off!! 230 lbs to go! There's a lot there to lose but 100 lbs is that marker!! I can't wait tell its 200 lbs =) then 300 lbs... Funny I got so excited at the doctors office this morning (7:45am kinda early lol), I had to start texting people right then, my doctor said " I don't even know how to text" which mind you threw me all off I thought in this day and age everyone texts I told her "even my momma texts" =) Anyway, today is a huge stepping stone on my journey and I wouldn't dream of not getting it blogged!!
Thank you all so much we send all the hugs and kisses to each of you for your awesome support and love!!!

Emotional eating interrupted by God

How many of you know when Satan is trying to hold all the cards? When he is wanting to have power over our choices, life and emotions? I used to not recognize it as fast as I do now but I'm getting pretty good at seeing him rear his "nasty" head into my life, and whats awesome is with the ability to notice it I can pray and give God the power and glory he deserves. Note: still does not make life easy as we all know right!
Threw this battle of my weight loss surgery Satan has worked on me hard, heck he worked on me hard for me to get to this point. I knew tho when I had my surgery it would not be as easy as 1 2 3 and I would be thin, fixed and at peace, there was so much healing and recognizing I was going to have to do or this could all very well be for nothing. I have recognized the obvious in my life right off the bat, work on the healing every day and with the help of God, Dan, my momma and my dear friends I make baby steps =) I thought I had all the answers it was obvious the problems that I had allowed to effect my life for me to get to this point. Then yesterday God decided it was time to show me one more important one and it could of gone really bad because Satan REALLY tried to take a hold of it and turn it into something that SATAN would celebrate over INSTEAD of God. I have not "emotionally" ate sense my surgery in tell yesterday and I didn't even realize it in tell I was sick because I was to caught up in the emotion of the negativity from it all. I had my phone in one hand and cheese in the other, I felt my heart starting to turn to "ice" for a lack of a better word after I read words that were such a jab, I looked down saw the 1/4 block of cheese gone, re read the text that was on my phone, looked back at the cheese and immediately begin feeling the pain of to much cheese in my little bitty stomach which was now in my chest as well because there wasn't no where for all that to go. All tho in pain from the cheese, my heart was hurting as well, I'm not sure which was worse. I immediately recognized this (yea me!) and called my mother. I told her what was going on, what I had done and knew she would be honest with me. After I got off the phone I prayed for God to stay beside me threw this, I didn't want to handle this the way Satan was really trying to get it to be handled with animosity, hateful words, and me eating threw my pain. So with the help of Mom I was enlightened by what God was showing me and ended the hurtful conversation. It was still eating at me tho, what did I need to do, what was I supposed to be learning I was missing that part. So I turned to a life long dear friend that has never hesitated to be honest with me even if it was painful for us both. As I processed with her I got my answers, this was a part of my deep rooted pain of my past that brought me to this place in my life, that's why Satan was so quick to play on it wanting me to be evil too, to throw jabs, cut with my tongue, and just retaliate. Thank you God for not letting me be that person yesterday! It was hard for me to except this realization that THIS could be a wounded spot for me, but as I went threw the hurt, the words and the experiences of that part of my life it made perfect sense. I found that everyone else saw it long before I did, but I had to learn it in my time I suppose, or perhaps it was Gods time.
The words that were said I find repeating in my head a few times but I know its that "ole devil" as my Grandma would of said =) So the journey continues, right? We continue to grow and pray for the people of our past but they don't have to be a part of our present. I'm feeling good about today, feeling grateful and full of even more hope that God is in control of my life and my situation and he wants to see me strong, healthy and loving! I'm not always a perfect example of a Born again Believer, I certainly have my flaws and struggles, but even at that when God wants to get his point across he does =)
<3 u all!

Update after Dr.'s appt today!

Here I am back from the doctor and doing a update as I said I would =)
I weighed in at 433, the doctor asked me "do you feel any different" I said "nope I'm still fat!!" He looked shocked, hehe, It wasn't the answer he was after he meant my joints etc, yes there better still painful but I do feel a difference!
On the other note they were concerned with the fact that I don't seem to eat, drink and take my vitamins as I'm suppose to, if at all. I explained to them there is no room for everything they want me to do, I know by sight there should be but there just isn't =) He then told me the best thing I think I have ever heard from a doctor "If you didn't look so good I would admit you to the hospital now!" Shew I was sure glad I looked "good"!!! I had my blood drawn twice because everything can't be where its supposed to be with my levels. They gave me a dual shot in my thighs for a vitamin that if its low it can cause major problems in your head ( I don't need that one to be low =) ) It starts with a T and I'm sorry I don't remember it, but that is indeed the most painful shot I have ever gotten TWICE made me cry! So here we are, still battling the battle and needing to eat more get more protein so my wound can heal, it hasn't hardly healed at all and that's not good! Well that's about all I have for my update from the doctor today!!! love u all!!!

Way overdue updates

Awww, it has been a couple of weeks sense I have been on here and I am so terrible sorry! It seems like when I feel well enough to get on here on update something else is going on. So here I am with so much to update that I'm likely to be warn out at the end of this =)
Well 2 weeks ago I came down with a bladder infection, oh boy, the doctors had told me that it was a possibility and if it happened it was crucial to get to the dr, I being a pro at bladder infections thought nothing of it! Let me tell you what it was not even the same as what I was use too. It wiped me out, it literally took my progress and slammed me down, I couldn't hardly even bring myself to get up, I wasn't eating, drinking, nothing thus being why I didn't blog that week. I went to the dr and they weren't to pleased I had waited but they were pleased to see my weight at 439 making progress in the right direction! So they started me up on antibiotics and I'm doing better not done with em yet but feeling better!
I have had the wonderful opportunity here lately of being able to discuss weight loss and the hardship of it with a couple of people that are battling with there weight, its interesting that I feel like I might be able to help them, for the first time I feel like I can help someone instead of "join in on there pity party" us heavy people can have the best pity parties trust me. I have enjoyed talking and even offering things that actually worked for me as I started this before surgery, the last thing I ever want is for people to look at me and think I have so much room to talk I had to have surgery to loose weight so I don't know. The thing is I STILL know just because of the surgery it did not take away my desire to over eat, it did not take away the ABILITY to over eat! It did not take away my addiction. I over eat at least once every other day, I get terribly sick I dry heave and dry heave then I have to lay down for a couple of hours because the pain is awful. So what does that say? Yes I had weight loss surgery did it give me a "freebie" I was wishing I won't lie, but no. So do I still have to struggle you betcha! So do I still understand always! I will put food in my mouth and now sense the surgery I can feel it go into my stomach and I can feel it begin to back up as I over eat the feeling is awful yet I do it. So there are days I choose to drink water all day and my protein shakes because I get so angry with myself that I can't stop eating that if I just stay away from the food it will be easier, doesn't stop me from peeking in that fridge or day dreaming about food! It's all pretty sick I know, makes me cry as I type it and think about my addiction, and how so many others have it and they believe there doomed because really it is the hardest addiction you can't just quit cold turkey. My oldest daughter has picked up on my bad eating habits a couple of years ago, it scares me so much. I prayed this would be a wake up call for her but it hasn't been, she does just like her momma did she talks of being skinny and dieting and makes jokes about her fat, and keeps right on eating! She came and saw me after surgery it effected her tremendously but not enough to change, and then I'm forced to think would it of changed me, would it of been that easy like a switch? I don't think so it's to hard, but I would like to think it would of increased my drive some, but I don't know, I was on the other end. My mother told me that when Mercedes came in to see my after surgery I opened my eyes enough to look at her and beg her with tears in my eyes to please not end up like this, to let Gods love be enough for you that you don't have to find it in food.
Aren't those such true words but so easier said then done. So this ..... is where I am emotionally.
Physically still have a wound open that Dan is packing twice a day and its looking good but I'm sure tired of it, go back to the dr tomorrow for another check up and I will update my weight and any changes I promise =)
So here is another day that God has blessed me with and I continue to grow and struggle! We love you and thank you all! xoxo

The addiction part rearing its ugly head.

Oh I have to say my struggles have begun...I have re found where my eating has gotten me to where I am today, addiction. It is what has comforted me, protected me, been my "companion" so to speak and now my body is rejecting it, but mentally it is still all those things to me. Needless to say I am dumping and vomiting allot these days as I try to fight my body and it wins. We say in my family our "love tank" is full or empty or needs some extra and see lately my love tank has been on the way empty side, I can't hold my baby, I can't sleep with my husband, everything has become that I am a patient not a mother or wife and in life I have turned to food if such situations arise that my love tank is empty food filled it in some odd way. But now it can't, it makes me physically ill. So as I battle what I knew even tho I prayed wouldn't rear its ugly head I ask for prayers that I can find my strength in Gods love to fill my love tank and remember "this too shall pass"

Clean and refreshed!

I gotta say today has to be a good day as yesterday I showered lol =) that was my first shower in 4 weeks, I know I told Dan I think I dont want to post that lol, but I decided as long as it was known that I have been having bed baths it might not be as bad of a admission?!?! I must say I felt like a brand new woman, Dan made me a great shower chair he is so talented! Then on top of it I am already planning Memorial Wknd and we are looking a house that we just love, it is making for me to have some pretty good pass couple of days...things to look forward to and plan sometimes that makes things a little brighter =) And then we have the ONE more thing yesterday was the first time I have been able to step on our scales and it weighed me 447 I know no one should be so excited about being able to see those #s lol funny the little things we miss when your not able to do it like stepping on a scale at home to see if you lost or gained =)

Getaway for the day

Well I got to get out of the house all day yesterday, THAT was wonderful!! We went up to the woods so Dan could load 2 boxes for work Monday that way he can sleep a little longer at least! i do enjoy watchin him work tho, odd as that may seem. Then we took off for our drive, we looked at a house which we loved, explored some country roads, drove down to our summer campin spots and walked around there for a while amazed how far the water was down, wow! We did come to the conclusion that this year for Memorial weekend we are going to try something different instead of taking the seadoos out we are going to take the quads and go to the creek, same area just memorial wknd is still cold in the water and those seadoos are brrrrrrrrrrrr out there....so I am really excited about this as I myself prefer the quads lol....We didn't make it home tell almost 8pm it was just so enjoyable!!! Then when we got home had a buddy here and Dan and him played on the guitar and drums and did some singing and entertaining for all of us!! Wonderful end to a perfect day!! Couldn't ask for more, made me feel good all the way around!

Tuesday's appt and family update

Well I am on week 4 went to the Dr Tuesday and got my stitches out and was told the wound is looking good but it will be awhile before its healed and closed, ugh! I weighed in at 450 they were happy about my weight loss yet concerned, so I had to meet with the nutritionist that gave us a shopping list of groceries lol, apparently I'm dropping a little to fast because I'm not eating and getting the protein I need, not good I reckon. So I am working on that. I will actually be happy when I get some energy and not be so blah all the time. And I know my family will be happy when I can do a little more lol. I have to say tho I have been having better days, making supper and cleaning some, wears me out but I sure like doing for my family again!
Mercedes is doing excellent staying at home with me, gotta stay on her about cleaning, I cant have a dirty house, uck, but she can lol. She is taking care of Dakota, me and the house and doing her school work everyday, I'm very proud of her! She is driven by shoes, clothes and money what a woman lol! Dakota is ok she is still not sure why I cant pick her up she trys everyday all day breaks my heart. Dan is working plus having to get up even earlier to change my dressing and give me my shot, and when he gets off work he relieves Sadies so he is dragging, poor guy, I'm really beginning to not like what this is doing to my family I'm feeling kind of selfish =( altho they disagree.
Well again we thank you all for your prayers and love we all love each of you!

Finally some updating!

Well here goes, i am in hopes that this makes more sense 3 weeks out then the one I tried right after the hospital lol...My Momma left yesterday very very hard for me, suffered some anxiety over that still am, I think Dakota is as well.
I should start with surgery, but before that I want to do what is the hardest part of this blogging that is state my highest weight, I have to do this in order to come to terms with where I have been and where I am going, My highest known weight is 514 lbs, I went in Friday Feb 12th at 7:15am lots of tears shared as we knew we were finally at the place, my weight at that point was 486 lbs, it took them 2 hours to get a iv in me we were beginning to wonder if that was a sign, lol...They finally got a little one in just to get me into surgery where they place a port in my neck the pics of my neck is were they took it out when I left, rough I know. I am not sure on surgery time as I don't remember waking in tell Saturday in the ICU I was told there was problems with my blood pressure as they struggled to get it under control and my pain was off the charts. I had to stay in ICU for 3 days then I was moved, I remember discussing with the dr that my case was rare my stomach pouch was smaller then he would like but we would get through it, They immediately made me allergic to NSAIDS (antinflamitories) as I had taken so many before that if I did it now I would develop a ulcer and/or rip my stomach none of the above sounded good to me. I stayed in the hospital another 3 days and was feeling pretty good all things considering, I never knew what was in store....
As I stated Friday was 3 weeks post op and I have been back in the hospital 3 times. The first one was because I got a infection in my wound so they had to open the bottom portion of it open and now Dan has to pack it twice a day, the nausea from that alone is allot for me, altho mom and I discovered the day before she left that if we "sing" Its done before I know it. =) The second time was back in the hospital was because my Gtube got pulled out so they went ahead and removed it, that being done though led to my 3rd admittance which is on going irregardless and that is the endless nausea and discomfort it had led up to me not wanting to eat or drink or take my meds, now I am on a hand full of meds for it and still have the nausea but I do believe this "this too shall pass" When I left that hospital March 4th I was at 451lbs...
I am continuing to struggle to want to walk or move, I feel weak and ill most all the time, but I try very hard for my family to remind myself they need me.
Thank you all for your love and support thru this and your patience as I don't feel good.

Back to Civilization a little… I think?

Well here it is a Wednesday February 17 and finally out of the hospital, I worked hard to get outta there! I have to say i don't remember much about my surgery or anything tell about Saturday, according to the surgeons, the drs and icu team I should be grateful for that. I apparently the fear was running high, my blood pressure was OUT OF CONTROL because of the pain. Sent me into a world wind of sedation really. I remember Saturday attempting to talk to Sadies and I went out of it and that's about that. I think I remember that is because she was terrified for me and I perhaps I was too and I wanted to make it better! I have been told now over and over to understand I am not a typical case and so things have been very scary and we have to be very careful. I have a G-tube on one side of my lengthy incision and a drain tube on the other, there my side kicks for awhile! And i got a wonderful walker sent with me, which as first I thought u gotta be kidding me but now I'm thinking my lucky stars for that sucker! I am going to start the really in depth of this as time goes on, answers the ?'s and all the things that lead up to my journey that are important for me to able to share that perhaps it can help someone else. I know this I CAN NOT go off of here today with out making sure that everyone knows that altho I have known that Dan is wonderful precious man, he is even truly everything~ he NEVER left me, he slept in the rm even in the icu for 3 nights, he did the nurses jobs he watched and insisted that he take care of me he got me up, he positioned me, he changed my bedding, he put me back, he did the medicine procedures with me, drinking, bathing even toiletry, everything, nurses that have been at this for 40 years said they have NEVER seen a husband like him. Here we are out and he is still my night in shining armour, Thank you God for letting me have the blessing of one of your children as my bff , my partner and the father to our children! I LOVE YOU, DAN!!
And to my mother, who has left her life to take care of my children and run our home as my husband takes care of me, I can't thank her enough, I hope some day she truly understands what a wonderful mother she is and just how much her friendship not just her mothering but her FRIENDSHIP what it means to me, She is a Christ filled woman and when we get the honor of her coming to share herself with us we are so trulllllly blessed!! WE LOVE YOU, MOMMA!!

Pics and info will be following in the next few days!

Night Before…

Well tomorrow is the day, we have to be at the hospital at 7:15am...I am excited and yet my nerves are a little edgy I believe, along with everyone else's! We picked Mom up this morning and done some site seeing and visits to places had lots of laughs which is always needed! Talked to my dad on the phone, and text others so I think bases are covered for today! =) My mom will be posting on FB when I'm out of surgery and I will post on here when I'm coherent lol, I tried to talk Dan into it but he was like "No way!!" He is not computer savvy, he can work on em but run em lol I'll handle that!! Well anyway I find I'm at a loss for words as the evening comes to a close because my minds all over the place, so I apologize! Love you all dearly!

Answer to a Question.

I was asked a question by a childhood friend that actually went through the things in my life with me that led up to why I begin putting on weight as my shield, my protection. She asked "what are your dreams?" I thought when I read that "haha sounds like a little kid she wants to know my dreams" Then it occurred to me what she was asking (I can be slow)
Let me start by telling you something, last summer for memorial weekend my family and I went camping, (those of you FB have seen the pics) My mom was here and we went out for the 4 day weekend to just enjoy the break. There is a waterfall up where we go camping that I have always heard of but never seen ( not by lack of trying its just my GPS cant seem to locate "THE WATERFALL" idk her deal lol) Anywho, My mother. Mercedes and some friends went hiking and found it. They came back telling Dan and I how absolutely gorgeous it was and we needed to see it. Of course my first question is "how much walking does this in tell?" Mom and Mercedes said its not bad you will be OK so Dan, Mom, Mercedes, Dakota and I loaded up for me to finely see one of Gods amazing beauty's! We begin walking down this trail with slight ups and downs, rough terrain really it should of been easy but not for me. I had to stop several times on the way there my hips, back and knees were hurting so bad, I had tears just running down my face. Common sense said go back to the car but Mercedes eyes said "come on mom you can do it" We passed people and I was embarrassed as I would stop and rest, crying. We finally made it there it was breathtaking! Dan and Mercedes went down in the water, waved and smiled. I held Dakota, took pics and thought. It was time to head back and it was a little up hill, I begged for everyone to just go let me be and I would make it, I didn't want them to see me cry and struggle, I couldn't hardly breathe and I hurt so bad. Dan told me "No, I will do a lot of things for you but I will NEVER leave you behind" Funny such kind words angered me, I was humiliated! We finally made it back to the car (I never loved that Tahoe so much) We all sat in mostly silence minus a few things here and there because I didn't want anyone to feel bad. Then it came, Mom told me "Mercedes told me that is the first time you have ever went on a walk with her" and she cried.
That was it for me, my daughter was 11 at the time and I had never been on a walk with her, I always hurt to bad. Never thought about it, tell then! And I'm looking at my then 6 month old Dakota and thinking "what have I done?"
It's common for me to sit on the side and watch my family play on our sea doos and quads, the boat, go tubing and skiing, hike play ball even go to the movies. Its all I've known for so long now that it was "normal"
So "What are my dreams?" .....
To walk with my children, my family
To play hard with them, laugh with them
To get on the floor and let my kids climb on me
To take my children to the park and swing with them
To go out with my husband with my head held high
To run
To watch my children and grand children grow up
To grow old with my husband
To look in the mirror and see the same beautiful person that Christ has always seen!

If I can ever hope for anything its that none of you ever take the "simple" things in life for granted, I did and then I didn't have the ability to do them any longer and it tore me down.
I wanted a shelter, a security in my weight, it was my protector so I wouldn't, couldn't be hurt..It didn't work it intensified everything, the hurt, the pain all of it, so here I am all these years later having to learn to deal with the wounds of what I allowed to control my life AND deal with the new ones of my weight. But I am so ready! My feet our planted and I have all of you as a huge support group! I love you all, even the ones I haven't met because my momma or someone has asked you to pray, I love you too and I thank you!

4 Days to Go!

This is the "countdown" week! And I actually feel a bit of anxiety today, who knew =) The last 3 days have been very hard as I am not allowed to take any of my anti inflammatory medicine just pain medication and my knees and back is really sharing its pain with me...I keep telling myself it will be OK as the weight comes off this pain will decrease and that in itself keeps me going!
Dan and I have been talking about how hard this is going to be with Dakota, she just wants to be with her "mum" all the time right on my "lap" (Its really my belly b/c there's no known lap per say present yet lol =) Anyway with my incision going to be straight down like its going to be, her being on me isn't going to happen, so this will be a adjustment for us and a very sad one =(
This is a adjustment for us all but how exciting!

First Official Update!

As y'all know our family is new to this =), but thanks to Jeni we are on are way!! We wanted to get this up and running by Thursday so we could make it to where everyone can follow our new journey of my weight loss surgery!
Most people know my family, we are a new family of 3 years, I married my best friend and it has made for nothing but awesome memories, some are hard to trudge through but SO worth it. We remember that Grace, love and laughter are so very important in a marriage, in a family, really in any relationship and that is how we survive and love each other more every day! My husband Dan is a Log Truck Driver, he is such a hard working man, he loves deep and hard, his happiness is seeing people happy and with a smile. Then we have our oldest Dylan 15, whom lives with our parents in Colorado, he was adopted at a young age by my parents but has remained open to that he has 2 sets of parents, he has a very large heart with so much love to give. Next is our oldest daughter Mercedes 12, shes about boys boys boys =) she was given a gift of love and compassion that is rarely seen in children. Our baby, Dakota is 14 months, she is without being biast one of the smartest children I have ever seen, she is like her daddy you can see her wheels of knowledge constantly turning, she is our baby! We also have our lil' addition, Shai, she is our 7 year old min pin, Chihuahua yippy, ankle biter(trust me Dan can tell you all about it, she's bit hiim 4 times LOL)!! But we love her! Next I add my mother, Sally I know that's different but she is such a huge part of who we are, she is our biggest fan, she is the best tangible representation of Christ living in us that I know. So for us she is a equal part of our family!
My love is to stay at home and take care of my family, my husband makes this possible so I do my best to show my love and appreciation of that gift as well!
This is our family summed up and we work to remember that our Heavenly Father is in control and to keep him in the center of our lives and choices. Which is why we choose GRACE, LOVE and LAUGHTER!

Welcome!

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