Thursday, June 7, 2012


This is a milestone update! 100 lbs officially off!! 230 lbs to go! There's a lot there to lose but 100 lbs is that marker!! I can't wait tell its 200 lbs =) then 300 lbs... Funny I got so excited at the doctors office this morning (7:45am kinda early lol), I had to start texting people right then, my doctor said " I don't even know how to text" which mind you threw me all off I thought in this day and age everyone texts I told her "even my momma texts" =) Anyway, today is a huge stepping stone on my journey and I wouldn't dream of not getting it blogged!!
Thank you all so much we send all the hugs and kisses to each of you for your awesome support and love!!!

Emotional eating interrupted by God

How many of you know when Satan is trying to hold all the cards? When he is wanting to have power over our choices, life and emotions? I used to not recognize it as fast as I do now but I'm getting pretty good at seeing him rear his "nasty" head into my life, and whats awesome is with the ability to notice it I can pray and give God the power and glory he deserves. Note: still does not make life easy as we all know right!
Threw this battle of my weight loss surgery Satan has worked on me hard, heck he worked on me hard for me to get to this point. I knew tho when I had my surgery it would not be as easy as 1 2 3 and I would be thin, fixed and at peace, there was so much healing and recognizing I was going to have to do or this could all very well be for nothing. I have recognized the obvious in my life right off the bat, work on the healing every day and with the help of God, Dan, my momma and my dear friends I make baby steps =) I thought I had all the answers it was obvious the problems that I had allowed to effect my life for me to get to this point. Then yesterday God decided it was time to show me one more important one and it could of gone really bad because Satan REALLY tried to take a hold of it and turn it into something that SATAN would celebrate over INSTEAD of God. I have not "emotionally" ate sense my surgery in tell yesterday and I didn't even realize it in tell I was sick because I was to caught up in the emotion of the negativity from it all. I had my phone in one hand and cheese in the other, I felt my heart starting to turn to "ice" for a lack of a better word after I read words that were such a jab, I looked down saw the 1/4 block of cheese gone, re read the text that was on my phone, looked back at the cheese and immediately begin feeling the pain of to much cheese in my little bitty stomach which was now in my chest as well because there wasn't no where for all that to go. All tho in pain from the cheese, my heart was hurting as well, I'm not sure which was worse. I immediately recognized this (yea me!) and called my mother. I told her what was going on, what I had done and knew she would be honest with me. After I got off the phone I prayed for God to stay beside me threw this, I didn't want to handle this the way Satan was really trying to get it to be handled with animosity, hateful words, and me eating threw my pain. So with the help of Mom I was enlightened by what God was showing me and ended the hurtful conversation. It was still eating at me tho, what did I need to do, what was I supposed to be learning I was missing that part. So I turned to a life long dear friend that has never hesitated to be honest with me even if it was painful for us both. As I processed with her I got my answers, this was a part of my deep rooted pain of my past that brought me to this place in my life, that's why Satan was so quick to play on it wanting me to be evil too, to throw jabs, cut with my tongue, and just retaliate. Thank you God for not letting me be that person yesterday! It was hard for me to except this realization that THIS could be a wounded spot for me, but as I went threw the hurt, the words and the experiences of that part of my life it made perfect sense. I found that everyone else saw it long before I did, but I had to learn it in my time I suppose, or perhaps it was Gods time.
The words that were said I find repeating in my head a few times but I know its that "ole devil" as my Grandma would of said =) So the journey continues, right? We continue to grow and pray for the people of our past but they don't have to be a part of our present. I'm feeling good about today, feeling grateful and full of even more hope that God is in control of my life and my situation and he wants to see me strong, healthy and loving! I'm not always a perfect example of a Born again Believer, I certainly have my flaws and struggles, but even at that when God wants to get his point across he does =)
<3 u all!

Update after Dr.'s appt today!

Here I am back from the doctor and doing a update as I said I would =)
I weighed in at 433, the doctor asked me "do you feel any different" I said "nope I'm still fat!!" He looked shocked, hehe, It wasn't the answer he was after he meant my joints etc, yes there better still painful but I do feel a difference!
On the other note they were concerned with the fact that I don't seem to eat, drink and take my vitamins as I'm suppose to, if at all. I explained to them there is no room for everything they want me to do, I know by sight there should be but there just isn't =) He then told me the best thing I think I have ever heard from a doctor "If you didn't look so good I would admit you to the hospital now!" Shew I was sure glad I looked "good"!!! I had my blood drawn twice because everything can't be where its supposed to be with my levels. They gave me a dual shot in my thighs for a vitamin that if its low it can cause major problems in your head ( I don't need that one to be low =) ) It starts with a T and I'm sorry I don't remember it, but that is indeed the most painful shot I have ever gotten TWICE made me cry! So here we are, still battling the battle and needing to eat more get more protein so my wound can heal, it hasn't hardly healed at all and that's not good! Well that's about all I have for my update from the doctor today!!! love u all!!!

Way overdue updates

Awww, it has been a couple of weeks sense I have been on here and I am so terrible sorry! It seems like when I feel well enough to get on here on update something else is going on. So here I am with so much to update that I'm likely to be warn out at the end of this =)
Well 2 weeks ago I came down with a bladder infection, oh boy, the doctors had told me that it was a possibility and if it happened it was crucial to get to the dr, I being a pro at bladder infections thought nothing of it! Let me tell you what it was not even the same as what I was use too. It wiped me out, it literally took my progress and slammed me down, I couldn't hardly even bring myself to get up, I wasn't eating, drinking, nothing thus being why I didn't blog that week. I went to the dr and they weren't to pleased I had waited but they were pleased to see my weight at 439 making progress in the right direction! So they started me up on antibiotics and I'm doing better not done with em yet but feeling better!
I have had the wonderful opportunity here lately of being able to discuss weight loss and the hardship of it with a couple of people that are battling with there weight, its interesting that I feel like I might be able to help them, for the first time I feel like I can help someone instead of "join in on there pity party" us heavy people can have the best pity parties trust me. I have enjoyed talking and even offering things that actually worked for me as I started this before surgery, the last thing I ever want is for people to look at me and think I have so much room to talk I had to have surgery to loose weight so I don't know. The thing is I STILL know just because of the surgery it did not take away my desire to over eat, it did not take away the ABILITY to over eat! It did not take away my addiction. I over eat at least once every other day, I get terribly sick I dry heave and dry heave then I have to lay down for a couple of hours because the pain is awful. So what does that say? Yes I had weight loss surgery did it give me a "freebie" I was wishing I won't lie, but no. So do I still have to struggle you betcha! So do I still understand always! I will put food in my mouth and now sense the surgery I can feel it go into my stomach and I can feel it begin to back up as I over eat the feeling is awful yet I do it. So there are days I choose to drink water all day and my protein shakes because I get so angry with myself that I can't stop eating that if I just stay away from the food it will be easier, doesn't stop me from peeking in that fridge or day dreaming about food! It's all pretty sick I know, makes me cry as I type it and think about my addiction, and how so many others have it and they believe there doomed because really it is the hardest addiction you can't just quit cold turkey. My oldest daughter has picked up on my bad eating habits a couple of years ago, it scares me so much. I prayed this would be a wake up call for her but it hasn't been, she does just like her momma did she talks of being skinny and dieting and makes jokes about her fat, and keeps right on eating! She came and saw me after surgery it effected her tremendously but not enough to change, and then I'm forced to think would it of changed me, would it of been that easy like a switch? I don't think so it's to hard, but I would like to think it would of increased my drive some, but I don't know, I was on the other end. My mother told me that when Mercedes came in to see my after surgery I opened my eyes enough to look at her and beg her with tears in my eyes to please not end up like this, to let Gods love be enough for you that you don't have to find it in food.
Aren't those such true words but so easier said then done. So this ..... is where I am emotionally.
Physically still have a wound open that Dan is packing twice a day and its looking good but I'm sure tired of it, go back to the dr tomorrow for another check up and I will update my weight and any changes I promise =)
So here is another day that God has blessed me with and I continue to grow and struggle! We love you and thank you all! xoxo

The addiction part rearing its ugly head.

Oh I have to say my struggles have begun...I have re found where my eating has gotten me to where I am today, addiction. It is what has comforted me, protected me, been my "companion" so to speak and now my body is rejecting it, but mentally it is still all those things to me. Needless to say I am dumping and vomiting allot these days as I try to fight my body and it wins. We say in my family our "love tank" is full or empty or needs some extra and see lately my love tank has been on the way empty side, I can't hold my baby, I can't sleep with my husband, everything has become that I am a patient not a mother or wife and in life I have turned to food if such situations arise that my love tank is empty food filled it in some odd way. But now it can't, it makes me physically ill. So as I battle what I knew even tho I prayed wouldn't rear its ugly head I ask for prayers that I can find my strength in Gods love to fill my love tank and remember "this too shall pass"

Clean and refreshed!

I gotta say today has to be a good day as yesterday I showered lol =) that was my first shower in 4 weeks, I know I told Dan I think I dont want to post that lol, but I decided as long as it was known that I have been having bed baths it might not be as bad of a admission?!?! I must say I felt like a brand new woman, Dan made me a great shower chair he is so talented! Then on top of it I am already planning Memorial Wknd and we are looking a house that we just love, it is making for me to have some pretty good pass couple of days...things to look forward to and plan sometimes that makes things a little brighter =) And then we have the ONE more thing yesterday was the first time I have been able to step on our scales and it weighed me 447 I know no one should be so excited about being able to see those #s lol funny the little things we miss when your not able to do it like stepping on a scale at home to see if you lost or gained =)

Getaway for the day

Well I got to get out of the house all day yesterday, THAT was wonderful!! We went up to the woods so Dan could load 2 boxes for work Monday that way he can sleep a little longer at least! i do enjoy watchin him work tho, odd as that may seem. Then we took off for our drive, we looked at a house which we loved, explored some country roads, drove down to our summer campin spots and walked around there for a while amazed how far the water was down, wow! We did come to the conclusion that this year for Memorial weekend we are going to try something different instead of taking the seadoos out we are going to take the quads and go to the creek, same area just memorial wknd is still cold in the water and those seadoos are brrrrrrrrrrrr out I am really excited about this as I myself prefer the quads lol....We didn't make it home tell almost 8pm it was just so enjoyable!!! Then when we got home had a buddy here and Dan and him played on the guitar and drums and did some singing and entertaining for all of us!! Wonderful end to a perfect day!! Couldn't ask for more, made me feel good all the way around!