Answer to a Question.

I was asked a question by a childhood friend that actually went through the things in my life with me that led up to why I begin putting on weight as my shield, my protection. She asked "what are your dreams?" I thought when I read that "haha sounds like a little kid she wants to know my dreams" Then it occurred to me what she was asking (I can be slow)
Let me start by telling you something, last summer for memorial weekend my family and I went camping, (those of you FB have seen the pics) My mom was here and we went out for the 4 day weekend to just enjoy the break. There is a waterfall up where we go camping that I have always heard of but never seen ( not by lack of trying its just my GPS cant seem to locate "THE WATERFALL" idk her deal lol) Anywho, My mother. Mercedes and some friends went hiking and found it. They came back telling Dan and I how absolutely gorgeous it was and we needed to see it. Of course my first question is "how much walking does this in tell?" Mom and Mercedes said its not bad you will be OK so Dan, Mom, Mercedes, Dakota and I loaded up for me to finely see one of Gods amazing beauty's! We begin walking down this trail with slight ups and downs, rough terrain really it should of been easy but not for me. I had to stop several times on the way there my hips, back and knees were hurting so bad, I had tears just running down my face. Common sense said go back to the car but Mercedes eyes said "come on mom you can do it" We passed people and I was embarrassed as I would stop and rest, crying. We finally made it there it was breathtaking! Dan and Mercedes went down in the water, waved and smiled. I held Dakota, took pics and thought. It was time to head back and it was a little up hill, I begged for everyone to just go let me be and I would make it, I didn't want them to see me cry and struggle, I couldn't hardly breathe and I hurt so bad. Dan told me "No, I will do a lot of things for you but I will NEVER leave you behind" Funny such kind words angered me, I was humiliated! We finally made it back to the car (I never loved that Tahoe so much) We all sat in mostly silence minus a few things here and there because I didn't want anyone to feel bad. Then it came, Mom told me "Mercedes told me that is the first time you have ever went on a walk with her" and she cried.
That was it for me, my daughter was 11 at the time and I had never been on a walk with her, I always hurt to bad. Never thought about it, tell then! And I'm looking at my then 6 month old Dakota and thinking "what have I done?"
It's common for me to sit on the side and watch my family play on our sea doos and quads, the boat, go tubing and skiing, hike play ball even go to the movies. Its all I've known for so long now that it was "normal"
So "What are my dreams?" .....
To walk with my children, my family
To play hard with them, laugh with them
To get on the floor and let my kids climb on me
To take my children to the park and swing with them
To go out with my husband with my head held high
To run
To watch my children and grand children grow up
To grow old with my husband
To look in the mirror and see the same beautiful person that Christ has always seen!

If I can ever hope for anything its that none of you ever take the "simple" things in life for granted, I did and then I didn't have the ability to do them any longer and it tore me down.
I wanted a shelter, a security in my weight, it was my protector so I wouldn't, couldn't be hurt..It didn't work it intensified everything, the hurt, the pain all of it, so here I am all these years later having to learn to deal with the wounds of what I allowed to control my life AND deal with the new ones of my weight. But I am so ready! My feet our planted and I have all of you as a huge support group! I love you all, even the ones I haven't met because my momma or someone has asked you to pray, I love you too and I thank you!